Why Change Feels So Hard

Dr Kirstey Holland 0:02

Special topic immunity to change. Why you already know what to do, but still still don't do it. I think this is one of the cornerstone mindset lessons in the Vitality Clinic. It aligns naturally with our philosophy that women don't need more pressure, discipline, or shame. They need to understand the protective systems that have been quietly shaping their behavior for years. From there, the conversation moves from how do I force myself to change to how do I help my body and mind feel safe enough to change? That transition is exactly where our work is strongest. Lisa Leahy on immunity to change. I think this is an outstanding fit for the Vitality Clinic. What I find particularly compelling is that immunity to change explains something I've observed clinically for years, but from a completely different discipline. My work says women don't fail because they lack motivation. They fail because they're trying to heal a body that doesn't yet feel safe. Keegan and Leahy are essentially saying people don't fail because they don't want to change. They fail because another part of them is working just as hard to keep them exactly where they are. Those two ideas fit together almost perfectly. Why you already know what to do but still don't do it. Because every woman inside Vitality has experienced this. She knows she should go to bed earlier. She knows protein would help. She knows walking would improve insulin sensitivity. She knows scrolling until midnight isn't helping. She knows another diet isn't the answer. Knowledge isn't the problem. So what is? Every woman who joins the Vitality Clinic wants to transform. Not one woman joins because she wants to stay exhausted. No one pays money hoping to stay anxious. Nobody wants to keep waking at 3 a.m. Nobody wants another year of weight gain. Nobody wants to keep snapping at their family. Every woman wants to change. So why is change so hard? For years we've been told it comes down to motivation. You're either disciplined or lazy. You either have enough willpower or you don't. If change doesn't happen, you simply didn't want it badly enough.

The Immunity To Change Idea

Dr Kirstey Holland 2:29

Lisa Leahy and Robert Keegan completely dismantled this idea. They argue something profoundly compassionate, which I absolutely love. And we just say this all the time, right? We all want transformation, but none of us want to change. Welcome to being human. Wanting the change is necessary, but wanting it is never enough. That isn't because you're weak. It's because another part of your mind is trying to protect you. They call this your immunity to change. Think about your immune system. Your immune system isn't trying to hurt you, it's trying to keep you alive, even when it overreacts, even when it attacks pollen, even when it attacks food. Its intention is protection. Your psychology works much the same way. When you try to make a meaningful change, something inside often reacts. Not because it hates change, because it mistakes change for danger. This explains something we see every week inside the Vitality Clinic. A woman tells herself, This week I'm finally going to prioritize myself. Then work becomes busy, her child gets sick, she skips breakfast, she cancels the coaching call, she orders takeaway, she tells herself, I'll start properly next Monday. She concludes, I just don't have enough discipline. But what if discipline isn't the problem? What if another commitment is quietly running the show?

Hidden Commitments Behind Your Goals

Dr Kirstey Holland 3:57

The hidden commitment. Keegan and Leahy discovered that underneath every visible goal often sits an invisible commitment. So for example, visible goal, I want to put myself first. And the hidden commitment, I must never disappoint anyone. Visible goal, I want to rest. Hidden commitment, I must always be productive. Visible goal, I want to ask for help. Hidden commitment, I must prove I can do everything myself. Visible goal, I want to slow down. Hidden commitment, if I slow down, everything is gonna fall apart. These commitments aren't irrational. They're usually intelligent adaptations. At some point in life they kept you safe. They helped you survive. The problem is survival strategies rarely disappear just because life changes. This is why women feel stuck. Not because they don't know what to do, because two commitments are fighting each other. One says, I want health, the other whispers, but don't upset anyone. One says, I want energy, another says, but don't rest. One says, I want peace, another says, but stay hyper-vigilant. Both feel true, both are trying to help. One simply became outdated. This really changes the entire conversation. Inside the Vitality Clinic, we never ask, what's wrong with you? We ask, what is the behavior protecting? That is a very, very different question. What has happened to you and how have you established some behaviors that have worked for you in the past that no longer serve you now? Because every behavior makes sense once you understand the job it was or is trying to do.

Four Clinic Stories Of Self-Sabotage

Dr Kirstey Holland 5:55

Let's meet four women from the clinic. Sarah, she never misses work, never misses anyone else's appointments, but continually cancels her own. She says she needs to prioritize herself. Her hidden commitment, I must always be dependable. Every time she books herself in, her immune system whispers, that's selfish, so she cancels. Emma, she starts every nutrition plan brilliantly, then sabotages herself every weekend. She thinks she lacks discipline, but her hidden commitment is, I must not miss out. Food has become belonging. Changing food feels like changing identity. I might lose my friends if I make a change. Nicole. She wants to exercise. Every Sunday she writes the plan. Every Monday she abandons it. The hidden commitment, I must never fail. If she doesn't really start, she never rarely fails. Please be near perfect and not perfect when you're trying to do something new. Rachel, she desperately wants more energy, but every time she gets it, she fills the space with so many more commitments. Her hidden commitment, my worth comes from what I do and what I produce. Rest actually feels threatening.

Safety First Not Perfect Behaviour

Dr Kirstey Holland 7:25

This is why vitality is different. Most programs prescribe behaviors. Eat this, walk here, take this supplement, sleep earlier. Those things matter, but they only work sustainably if we also understand the operating system running underneath. Because behavior isn't the deepest level of change. Identity is, beliefs are, and safety is. This fits beautifully with our work. Inside the Holland Clinic protocol, we often say symptoms matter, but patterns matter more. And I'd add something today. Behaviors matter, hidden commitments matter more. Every prescription in the Vitality Clinic asks your body to move somewhere new, but your nervous system first asks one question, Am I safe? Until that answer becomes yes, old patterns will always feel more comfortable than healthy ones.

Reflection Questions That Unlock Change

Dr Kirstey Holland 8:23

The reflection, rather than asking, why can't I stay motivated? Try asking yourself, what change do I genuinely want? What do I keep doing that works against that change? If I stop doing that, what feels risky? What might I actually be trying to protect? These questions require enormous honesty, but they're also where transformation begins. So we all want transformation and none of us want to change, but we really have to look what is underneath the hood. So, the prescription this week, I don't want you to work harder. I want you to become more curious. Every time you catch yourself saying, I know what I should do, pause. Instead, ask, what is the wiser part of me trying to protect? Because your resistance isn't evidence that you're failing. It's evidence that an old protective strategy still believes that it's needed. When we understand it, we don't have to fight ourselves anymore. We can finally begin working with ourselves.

Book Recommendation And Closing

Dr Kirstey Holland 9:31

So my book club recommendation is definitely immunity to change, how to overcome it and unlock the potential in yourself and your organization by Robert Keegan and Lisa Lascau-Leahy. It is one of the most important books I've read on why intelligent, capable people struggle to make lasting change. Although much of this book is written through the lens of leadership and organizations, the principles apply beautifully to health, perimenopause, and personal transformation. I encourage every member of the Vitality Clinic to read it. I believe it will help you understand yourself with more compassion and less self judgment. Take it easy. Have a beautiful day.